


The Addams Family; Hazbin Hotel Edition

by FurbyDisaster53



Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [8]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Addams Family Fusion, Crossover, Humor, Inspired by Addams Family, M/M, Parody, this was a good plan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FurbyDisaster53/pseuds/FurbyDisaster53
Summary: After years of Alastor Addams’s sister Charlie being missing, she finally returns to the family, but things may not be how they seem.(Also Angel is Morticia, Vaggie is Wednesday, Nifty is Pugsley, and Husk is Lurch)
Relationships: Alastor/Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel)
Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974124
Comments: 132
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

It was a day like any other; the clock was chiming as Thing, a sentient hand, was running through the house. He stopped when he noticed Alastor standing by the doorway to an empty bedroom. He was a red headed deer demon, who wore a dark pinstripe suit and had a thin mustache, and he let out a sigh as he looked over the room.

“Think of it, Thing. For fifteen years, we’ve attempted to contact Charlie in the great beyond, and for fifteen years….nothing. I’m starting to think my dear sister really is lost,” Alastor said. 

Thing tugged at Alastor’s pants leg, and the deer sighed again, before shutting the door to Charlie’s room and walking off. 

Meanwhile, his adopted children, Nifty and Vaggie, were in the other room. Nifty was a tiny cyclops who wore a dress with black and white pinstripes, and Vaggie was a girl whose white hair was tied in braids, she had a pink x over an eye, and she wore a black dress. Right now she was aiming a crossbow at her younger sister. “Stop whining. I know what I’m doing,” she said. 

Nifty nodded in agreement, since she was tied up and had an apple in her mouth, so she couldn’t speak. Vaggie smirked and released the arrow. 

Alastor walked through the hall, with Thing right behind him, and he made it to his bedroom. His husband, Angel Dust, a fluffy white spider in a tight black dress, was still asleep on their bed. “Look at him. I’d die for him. I’d kill for him. And I have. And oh what bliss,” Alastor muttered.

Angel’s eyes fluttered open, and he looked up at Alastor. “Are you unhappy, mon chér?” the deer asked. 

“Oh yeah. Pretty unhappy,” Angel smiled. Alastor smiled and sat beside him on the bed, and Angel started to caress his cheek. 

At that moment, the sun poured in through the blinds. “Al, il sole è troppo luminoso per la mia pastosa pelliccia bianca,” said Angel. 

“Oh Angel, that’s Italian,” Alastor sighed, as Angel smirked. 

“Sì,” he replied. 

“Oh mon Ange,” purred Alastor, as he started kissing Angel’s hands. When he finished, the deer got up and grabbed a sword. “En garde, monsieur soleil!” he shouted, before using his sword to close the blinds. 

“Alastor,” Angel said.

“Darling,” Alastor replied.

“Last night, ya were fucking crazy. Ya were like some desperate, insane Imp. Ya scared me,” Angel said, before he paused. “Do it again,” he whispered. 

In the hallway, Husk, their drunken cat butler, was holding two paper bags. Vaggie walked by and took hers. “Thanks, Husk,” she said.

“Yeah, fucking whatever,” he muttered. 

Nifty went by and took hers, then she looked inside. “Aww! No cheap booze today?” she asked. 

“No, now get the hell out of here,” Husk replied. Nifty shrugged and followed Vaggie out the door.

Meanwhile, Alastor was standing on the balcony with his golf clubs, and Angel was standing beside him holding a cup of coffee. Alastor grinned as he hit the ball, and it broke right through their neighbor Vox’s window. The television ran to his porch and flipped off the couple on the balcony. “Fuck you, Addams!” he shouted.

“Sorry about the window, Vox! Go ahead and keep the ball, my good man! I have plenty!” Alastor smiled. 

“You asshole!” Vox yelled. 

Later, Alastor and Angel were back inside, and Angel was cutting the heads off of roses. “It’s a milestone, Angel dear. This night will mark our fifteenth seance,” the deer said. “All those years I’ve spent burning with guilt, festering with regret, writhing in agony,” he muttered. 

“Don’t torture ya self, Alastor,” Angel said, before snipping the head off of another rose. “That’s my job,” he smirked. Alastor turned to him and smiled, and Angel kept on cutting his flowers. “Imagine bambino, if we did wind up contacting Charlie. Half decayed, fucking disgusting, a rotting shell,” the spider said. 

“It isn’t polite to tease, darling,” Alastor smirked. Just then, Angel heard noises outside, and turned to look out of the window. 

“Look, bambino, Trench is here,” he said. 

“Ah! Tom Trench! Perfect timing,” Alastor smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

Outside, Tom Trench and his wife Mimzy were walking up to the house. “Try not to do anything stupid. These are your last paying clients, do I have to remind you?” she asked. 

“If it makes you happy,” Tom replied. 

“Well something has to,” Mimzy returned. “Just ask for that loan. Beg, okay?” she asked. 

“Babe, babe, we do not need the loan. I'll get the money another way. I have a plan,” Tom said.

“Why did I marry you?” Mimzy muttered. 

“Because I said yes!” yelled Tom. 

The two went inside, and Mimzy went to talk to Angel while Tom headed to Alastor’s study. As soon as he stepped inside, a sword got thrown next to his head, piercing the door beside him. “Ah! Missed!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Look! A diversion!” Tom shouted. Alastor turned, and the shorter man threw his briefcase at him, however the deer turned and caught it. 

“Dirty trick, my friend. I like it,” he smiled. Tom took the sword out of the door, and Alastor drew another. The two did some sword fighting for a bit, before Alastor went to his chair. “My goodness! That was entertaining! Now, onto business!” he smiled. 

Meanwhile, Mimzy, Husk, Angel, and his sister Molly were in another room as Molly searched through a trunk. “Ah great. A charity auction and I can’t find the shit,” she muttered. 

“Hey! Maybe it’s in here!” Angel called, pointing at a closet.

“It's worth a shot,” Molly shrugged, as she went over to it.

Angel took a large bag out of the closet and handed it to Husk. “‘Uncle Travis’s Winter Wardrobe’,” Angel said, reading the tag. 

Molly took the bag from Husk and threw it down, just as Angel handed the cat another bag. “‘Uncle Travis’s Summer Wardrobe’,” the spider read, before Molly threw that one down too.

Angel handed Husk one more and checked its tag. “‘Uncle Travis’,” he said, before that one got thrown down as well, and Mimzy started to get concerned. 

Back in the office, Alastor read over a paper Tom handed him. “‘The Charlotte Addams Offshore retirement fund’? What would it do?” asked Alastor. 

“What wouldn’t it do?!” Tom exclaimed.

“Charlie, all tribute to her. Some called her absolutely mad,” Alastor said. 

“No!” Tom exclaimed.

“Well, only our parents. I called her sister,” the deer sighed. 

“And her memory needs to live on forever! Through money. And I'm depositing the funds under my name for tax purposes and all that shit,” Tom replied. 

“How inspired!” Alastor smiled.

“She would have wanted it that way,” Tom nodded.

“Agreed!” Alastor said, as he stood on his desk and triumphantly held his sword. “For Charlie!” 

“For Charlie, a sister!” Tom exclaimed, joining him.

“My sister!” Alastor added.

“One of a kind!” Tom exclaimed.

“That’s just what the doctors said!” Alastor replied.

“Kind to animals and good to children!” said Tom.

“They never proved a thing,” Alastor hastily said. 

“One million dollars is the perfect amount,” Tom said. 

“It’s brilliant,” Alastor smiled.

“Agreed!” Tom replied. 

“But Tom my friend, it's not old business. It's going to have to wait. You know the rules as well as I do,” Alastor said. 

“Wait! This is different! It’s in my name! Make an exception, come on!” yelled Tom.

“Old business is old business, new business is new business, this is new business, and I’m afraid we will not discuss new business until next quarter,” the deer explained. 

“Next quarter?” Tom muttered, as Alastor nodded. 

“Yes, indeedy! Next quarter. Now, why don’t you make yourself comfortable, my friend? I’ll get the money for the monthly expenses,” he said, before going off into another room. Tom peeked through the doorway and saw Alastor head through a secret passage in the bookshelf.

“Oh fuck,” Tom muttered.

Meanwhile, Angel and the others were still looking around when they heard snapping. The group turned and saw Thing pointing at something. “Aha! There it is. Exactly what we were looking for,” Angel smiled, as he went over and picked it up. “Thanks, Thing,” he smiled, before going over and showing what he had to Mimzy. 

“Damn….what is it?” the blonde asked. 

“A finger trap from dear, old Luci,” Angel explained, as Mimzy picked it up. 

“It must be worth a fortune! Oh Angel, this is too much; even for the auction,” she said.

“Then let’s keep it!” Molly smiled. 

“Quiet, sis. It's for charity. Y’know, widows and orphans. We need more of them,” Angel replied, before he paused. “Hey, Mimzy? About the seance tonight, I wish ya would come. It’s Alastor. I'm really worried about him. He won't eat, he can't sleep, and he keeps coughing up blood,” the spider explained. 

“He coughs up blood?” Mimzy asked, once again concerned. 

“Not like he used to,” Angel sighed. 

Elsewhere, Tom was trying to figure out how the secret passage worked, but was having no luck. Moments later, he and Alastor were back in the study, and the deer was pouring silver coins into Tom’s briefcase. “There! The monthly expenses,” Alastor smiled, much to his lawyer’s dismay.


	3. Chapter 3

Tom went stumbling into the office, his briefcase in hand. “Hello? Hello!” he called, as a blonde woman stepped into view. 

“Well hello to you too, jackass,” she said. 

“Oh, Miss Katie Killjoy! I was just about to call you, honest!” Tom stammered. 

“Uh huh, sure you were. You haven't met my daughter Ebony, have you, Tom?” Katie asked. Tom’s eyes landed on a blonde girl with her hair tied up and rosy cheeks. 

“Hi!” she smiled at him, before turning to Katie. “Is this the one, Mom? That deadbeat you mentioned?” Ebony asked. Once Katie nodded, Ebony started glaring at Tom again, horns growing on her head and teeth starting to sharpen. 

“No, w-wait. Wait, wait, wait!” Tom yelled, as he started backing away from her. Hold on. You have to listen to me!” he shouted. 

“And why the hell should we do that, Tom?” Katie asked. 

“Hear me out! Please!” screamed Tom, as he jumped up on a desk to get away from the girl; with things spilling out of his pockets. 

“Your call, Mom!” Ebony exclaimed.

“Ebony and I have a great relationship,” Katie said. 

“She’s a gem!” Ebony smiled. 

“Well, I guess we should hear Tom out. I’ve got nothing better to do. Ebony, leave him be. For now,” said Katie. Ebony nodded, and her horns retracted and teeth returned to normal. 

“We've lent you a fuck ton of money, you dickhead. Thousands of dollars, and the payment is due,” Katie explained. 

“I don't have the money. I've tried everything!” Tom exclaimed. 

“You know Ebony, I just can’t believe him,” Katie said. 

“Neither can I!” Ebony nodded, before she noticed some of the silver coins that had fallen from Tom’s pockets. “What are those?” she asked. 

“Those are doubloons for the Addams account,” Tom answered. 

“Addams?” Katie asked. 

“There's a whole fortune! Only nobody can get to it; believe me! I tried!” replied Tom. 

“Did you really, Tom? Did you try hard enough?” Katie asked, glaring at him. “Ask him, honey,” she said, looking over at Ebony.

“No, no, no! Don't ask!” Tom exclaimed. At that moment, he studied Ebony’s face, and started picturing her with her hair down. “Charlie…” he whispered.

It had started raining; which was unusual for hell, and Alastor and Angel were watching it from the porch of their mansion. 

“It's a miserable night,” Alastor grinned. 

“Oh I know, bambino. Perfect seance weather,” Angel replied, as he looked over at Vaggie and Nifty, who were playing in the rain. “Hey kids! We're starting! Put down that antenna,” the spider called. Vaggie and Nifty sighed, then they put it down and headed inside with their family. 

Elsewhere, Tom had shown Katie and Ebony pictures of Charlie. “It's unbelievable. That blonde bitch and my little girl,” Katie muttered, as she looked them over. 

“They could be twins!” Tom exclaimed. 

“But they're his family! This feels wrong. Besides, what makes you think they'll fall for it?” Ebony asked. 

“We do your hair, dress you up. No problem! They'll think she's Charlie, their long-lost sister,” Tom explained. 

“I hope so, Tom. For your sake, you little bitch,” Katie said. 

“I've been the Addams lawyer for years, they're dumbasses,” replied Tom. 

“Clearly. So, what about the money?” asked Katie. 

“Well, they have this vault….” Tom started. 

“Where?” Ebony asked.

“I don’t know,” the lawyer replied. 

“Well that’s sort of a problem,” Ebony said. 

“Look, Charlie’s been missing for fifteen years. She and Alastor had a fight. Alastor feels like shit about it. He'll tell you anything. Just ask. Nothing can go wrong!” Tom exclaimed. 

“It better not. Now, get the fuck out of my sight,” Katie stated. 

“It’s going to be great! I swear, you’ll get back all the money I owe you and more! Trust me!” Tom replied, as he left the building. 

“Mom, do you think this is it?” asked Ebony.

“I think so, honey,” Katie smiled. “No more loan sharking, no more storefront scams,” she sighed. 

“I just get the gold, and we're gone?” Ebony asked. 

“Exactly! And Tom takes the rap. Ebony, it's perfect!” Katie grinned. 

“No, not Ebony. Charlie,” the girl smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did I chose Ebony as Charlie’s alternate name?
> 
> I really don’t know; but i think it kinda works for her


	4. Chapter 4

Mimzy and Tom reached the Addams mansion, where Vaggie saw them in the hall. “Big night for you guys, huh sweetie?” Tom asked, only Vaggie didn’t answer him. 

“Hi there, Vaggie. Um….could you?” Mimzy asked, as she held out her hands. Evidently she had gotten that finger trap stuck on her. Vaggie pressed the sides of the tap, freeing Mimzy’s fingers. “Thank fuck,” she sighed. 

At that moment, Angel gracefully descended the stairs and smiled at the couple. “Welcome, special guests. So the two of ya want entrails?” he asked, as Molly walked by with a tray. 

Soon after that, everyone was gathered in the seance room, with Husk attempting to play a pipe organ. Only he wasn’t doing it very well. 

“Sing, O spirits. Harken all souls. Every year on this date, we offer a clarion call to Charlie Addams,” Angel recited. 

As he did, Nifty held up a knife to Vaggie. “Stop it,” the moth said. 

“Nifty darling,” Alastor smiled, as he took the knife from her. “Well, kids will be kids,” he shrugged. 

“From generation to generation, our beacon to the beyond. Now, everyone join hands,” Angel said, as everyone did just that. 

“Mon chér, the way you recite that drives me mad,” Alastor whispered, with a smirk on his face. 

“Hm, I know it does, bambino. But ya can tell me about that in the bedroom,” smiled Angel, before he got back to it. “Alright Vaggie, it’s ya turn,” he said. 

“Let us ransom you from the power of the grave. Tonight, O Second Death, let us be your plague,” Vaggie recited, as Angel smiled at Molly, who was sitting behind a crystal ball. 

“Molly, ya next,” he said, as she nodded and started waving her four hands around the ball. 

“Charlotte Addams, ceoli couris, ferimani bo--holy shit! I feel that she's near. Charlotte Addams...gather your strength...and knock three times. Please,” Molly said. 

Everyone waited a moment, and then three knocks were heard. Alastor’s jaw dropped, and everyone else sat there shocked. 

“Did all of you hear that!?!” yelled Molly. 

“Ask again, sis, hurry,” Angel whispered. 

“By all means,” Tom nodded. 

“Ask, ask!” Alastor begged. 

“Charlotte Addams, I demand that you please knock again!” Molly ordered.

After another moment of silence, apart from Husk’s terrible organ playing, three more knocks were heard. Alastor jumped up from his chair with a smile across his face. “She's at the door!” he exclaimed. 

Thing scurried out of the room, with everyone hurrying to follow him, and then he opened the door. Standing outside was a girl with long blonde hair and a black cloak. Everyone stared at her in disbelief, but Alastor just smiled softly. “Charlie,” he said. 

“Alastor,” the girl replied. The deer stepped over to her, and promptly pulled her into a hug. She was surprised when he did that, but not as shocked as she was when he kissed her on the cheek. 

A blonde woman with glasses walked up next to them, and in actuality, it was Katie Killjoy. “Good evening. I am Dr. Churlish,” she said. 

Shortly afterwards, the two newcomers had gone inside, and now everyone was sitting in the living room as Katie explained the situation. “She was found half dead in an alleyway, with a heavenly blade through her arm. It was just last month; she may have died if we didn’t come for her. Can you imagine? But we saved her. I'm telling you, there were tests, so many fucking tests. A total psychological profile, and they figured out she was your sister,” she said.

“So they gave her to me at Demon Services, after all these years, after all the hardship, I’ve brought her home to you,” Katie continued. 

“That’s bullshit! Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?” Mimzy asked. 

“It certainly is,” Alastor smiled, as he walked over to the blonde girl. “And now, my dearest sister, you’re back!” he exclaimed. 

“Yep! She’s back! Back to share your joys, your sorrows, everything,” Tom said. 

“This all seems weird,” Mimzy muttered. 

“How does this work, again?” Tom asked, handing her the finger trap.

“Come on Tommy, it’s not hard,” she said, before getting her fingers stuck again. 

“Charlie Addams...home after all this time,” Angel said. 

“Yep! Er….well…..at least for a week,” the girl replied, smiling nervously. 

“A week? Don't be ridiculous; you're home,” Alastor said. 

“Aww, I’m really sorry Alastor, but I have to get back. Got a lot of things cooking topside. You know, in the Bermuda Triangle,” the blonde smiled. 

“Oh, Alastor, the Bermuda Triangle,” Angel purred, looking at his husband. 

“Devil's Island,” grinned Alastor, as he went over and sat beside him. 

The two joined hands and gazed longingly at one another. “The black hole of Calcutta,” the spider whispered. 

“Excuse us, won’t you?” Alastor asked, before he started kissing his husband’s hands. 

“It was our second honeymoon,” Angel smiled, before looking over at Katie. “Hey, Dr. Churlish, ya gonna be staying with us too?” he asked.

“No, sorry, I’ve gotta go. But I’ll come back; to check on Charlie’s adjustment,” Katie said, as she got up. 

“Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even to go to hell. Everyone knows that,” Vaggie muttered, as the fake doctor turned to her. 

“Oh sweetie, you stupid little girl, there’s so much you don’t understand! Spirit is a hard thing to kill,” said Katie.

“Even with a machine gun,” Molly nodded. 

“Right, okay. I’ve got to be going. I’ll be back another day!” Katie said, before leaving.

“We’d better be off too. Thanks for having us over, Addams,” Tom said, as he and Mimzy got up.

“Our pleasure,” Angel replied, while Alastor was still kissing his hands. When the other couple left, Angel smiled at him. “Bambino? Why don’t ya let me take ya sister up to her room?” he asked. 

“Alright, my darling,” Alastor nodded, as Angel got up.

“Come on, Charlie,” he said, before leading the blonde up the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

When the two of them reached the room, “Charlie” put her suitcase off to the side. “Thank you!” she smiled. 

“No problem. Here, I’ll help ya unpack,” Angel replied, as he picked up the case. 

“No no no! I got it,” Charlie said, but the spider was already going through her bag. 

“Let’s see…...Crowbar…...Dynamite…..Cyanide," he said, taking all of those things out of her bag. “Charlie…” Angel said, turning to her. “As if we’d run out!” he smiled, before heading for the door. “Night!” he called. 

As soon as he left, Charlie started looking around the room, for any clues as to where the vault might be. She opened her bedroom door, but saw Vaggie across the hall staring at her. The blonde quickly shut it again. “Ugh what am I going to do?” she whispered. 

Charlie sighed and figured she would try looking for the vault in the morning, so she laid down to sleep. As she tried to rest, she saw her door open. “Who's there?” Charlie asked, but got no response. Instead, Thing jumped up onto the bed, causing the girl to scream. 

She was screaming loud enough for Alastor and Angel to hear it from their bedroom. “My own darling sister. Why, I’ve nearly got goosebumps,” Alastor sighed. 

“I know,” Angel smiled, running a hand along his husband’s chest. 

“Screams in the night…..It can only mean one thing,” the deer said. 

“She’s home,” Angel said, before planting a kiss on Alastor’s cheek.

The next morning, Charlie had managed to fall asleep, with Thing in bed with her. Alastor quietly knocked on the door, before just walking in. He tried grabbing Thing, which startled Charlie, waking her up. 

The girl screamed and pushed Alastor down. She nearly apologized, but he smiled up at her from the floor. “Breakfast?” he asked. Before Charlie could respond, he grabbed a hold of her arm and flipped her onto the ground too. “It’s wonderful to have you back, dear. Let’s go!” Alastor exclaimed, before getting up “Oh! Two out of three?” he asked, before throwing a knife that landed next to the blonde’s head, laughing as he did. 

Soon afterwards, everyone was in the dining room as Molly passed out food. “Good old fashioned home cooking! There's nothing like it,” she smiled. 

Vaggie looked at Charlie. “Can I have the salt?” the moth asked. 

“Hey! Hey, Vaggie, what do we say?” Angel asked. 

“Now damn it,” Vaggie added, as Charlie passed her the salt shaker. 

“What is this?” Charlie asked, looking at the mess on her plate. 

“Molly’s specialità della villa,” replied Angel, as Alastor sighed. 

“Mon Ange…” he said. Angel grinned and held out a hand that Alastor took and gently kissed. 

As they did that, Molly looked over at Charlie and smiled. “Start with the eyes! It’s the best part!” she exclaimed. 

“Did ya sleep alright?” Angel asked, turning his attention to Charlie. 

“Oh yeah! Like the dead,” she replied. 

“Really? Goodness, who would have guessed that the Bermuda Triangle could change someone that much? Dear, you used to toss and turn the entire night. We had to chain you to the bedpost,” said Alastor. 

“It makes no sense,” Vaggie said. 

“I mean….The Bermuda Triangle is a very...um….mysterious place! You'd be surprised at all the stuff you don't know,” Charlie replied. 

“She definitely would. Vaggie’s fuckin hooked on the Bermuda Triangle. She studies it,” Angel explained. 

“Ask me anything,” Vaggie deadpanned.

“You know, being in my old room brings back tons of memories!” Charlie smiled, hastily trying to change the subject. “Al? Remember Camp Custer?” she asked.

“For preteen offenders! Of course,” Alastor smiled, before the two laughed as they reminisced. 

“Memories are just the best. Today I think I might wander through the house...you know, remembering,” said Charlie.

“Oh no, sorry my dear, none of that today. Today we're going straight to the vault!” Alastor replied.

At that moment, Nifty walked in, carrying a stop sign. She smiled as crashes and car horns were heard outside. “Bravo, Nifty dear!” Alastor exclaimed.


	6. Chapter 6

Alastor and Charlie stood outside the entrance to the secret passage, and smiled when the deer opened it up. 

They ran through into a secret room, and Alastor sighed happily. “It feels as if we're children again!” he exclaimed, before pulling a chain. 

The floor opened beneath them, and the two were sent down a slide. They reached the bottom, and Alastor excitedly got off. “Smell that air, Charlie! Like a tomb,” he smiled. 

Alastor hopped onto a small gondola. “Tous à bord, chère sœur! The sea! Practically your second home,” he said.

“Ship ahoy!” Charlie smiled, as she tumbled onto the boat. Alastor moved them along, while singing in French. 

Meanwhile, Nifty and Vaggie were upstairs. “Do you think that's really Aunt Charlie?” the younger girl asked. 

“Father says it is, but I think Dad isn't sure,” Vaggie said, as she put a few things together. “Nifty, can you go sit in the chair?” she asked, pointing at it.

“Why?” Nifty asked. 

“So we can play a game,” replied Vaggie. 

“Well what game?” Nifty asked, as she sat in the chair. 

“It's called…” Vaggie started, before strapping her sister’s wrists down. “Is There A God? Spoiler alert; no,” she finished. 

Meanwhile, Alastor and Charlie stopped their boat at a heavy door. “The vault! Ha! Brilliant!” the deer smiled, as the two went to unlock it. “Two to the right,” Alastor said, as he twisted the dial. “Ten to the left,” he continued, twisting it again. “And then all the way around to…” he started, hoping Charlie would finish. 

“Forty two!” the girl said, smiling confidently. 

“Eleven. Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes. It’s been so many years,” Alastor said, as he opened the door for them. “Welcome back,” he grinned. 

“Thanks,” Charlie nodded. 

“Our secret place,” Alastor sighed. “Goodness, if these walls could talk,” he chuckled. 

“Yeah! What Uh….what would they say?” Charlie asked.

“You tell me, dear,” smiled Alastor.

“Um...You first,” Charlie replied. 

“First a brandy. Do the honors, Charlie! I've got something wonderful planned!” Alastor smiled, as he started looking through boxes. 

“Where is it? Where is it?” Charlie muttered, as she started looking around on a shelf. When she grabbed a bottle of brandy, the wall suddenly spun around. The blonde was taken into a room filled with gold coins, but the wall spun back around just before she could take anything. 

Alastor was still looking through the box, then he turned to Charlie with a bright smile. “It’s showtime!” he exclaimed, holding up a film reel. 

The two of them started watching Alastor and Charlie’s home movies, from when the two hellborns were children. Then it cut to the two of them when they were older, and at a party. 

“Of course! The debutante ball. Don’t you remember that night, Charlie dear?” Alastor asked. 

“How could I forget?” Charlie replied, as she continued watching the footage. “Your first cigar!” she exclaimed, as Alastor chuckled. 

“Oh come on now, I've smoked since I was two; father insisted,” he said, as the film continued to roll. Three Imp siblings appeared on screen, one of the sisters dancing with Charlie and the other dancing with Alastor, and their disinterested brother sitting in the corner. 

“Tilla and Barbie Wire! They were amazing, huh Alastor?” Charlie asked. 

“Can you ever forgive me?” Alastor asked. 

“What?” asked the girl. 

“I didn't love them one bit, but I still won them over out of pride. You were remarkable; you could have any man or woman you wanted. Dead or alive,” Alastor said, before he let out a sigh. “I was jealous, and I feel awful about it. And I hate that I drove you away. I missed you, Charlie. Things just haven’t been the same. I hope you can forgive me,” he continued, as he shut off the footage. 

“Awww, Alastor! It’s water under the bridge. Forgiven and forgotten!” Charlie smiled. 

Alastor smiled and hugged her, then he put the blonde in a choke hold. “Go on, dear! Say it! Say the secret password!” he exclaimed.

“The password?” Charlie sputtered. 

“Oh stop being so silly! You remember!” Alastor said. 

“I'm choking! Please! Stop!” pleaded Charlie, as Alastor let go and allowed her to fall to the ground. 

“How on earth could you forget the secret password? We used it nearly a hundred times a day! It was our special, private name for one another!” the deer exclaimed. 

“Yeah well that was a long time ago when we were kids, Alastor! You almost killed me!” Charlie retorted. 

“Oh goodness! Poor thing, what did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle?” Alastor asked. 

Back upstairs, Vaggie had just finished getting Nifty into the electric chair. “But if she isn’t Aunt Charlie, who is she?” the cyclops asked. 

“Someone else,” Vaggie answered, before she flipped a switch. “It has to warm up,” she said. 

“Why?” Nifty asked. 

“So it can kill you,” Vaggie shrugged. 

“I knew that,” Nifty said, just as Angel walked into the room. 

“Kids, whatcha doing?” he asked. 

“I’m going to electrocute her,” Vaggie replied. 

“But we’re late for that charity auction,” Angel said. 

“Awww, but Dad,” Vaggie groaned. 

“I said no,” replied Angel.

“Please?” Nifty asked. 

“Oh, okay,” Angel smiled.

Vaggie flipped another switch, and she and Angel smiled and watched as an electric current coursed through Nifty, the younger girl giggling the whole time. After that, the family headed for the charity auction.


	7. Chapter 7

The auctioneer stood onstage next to Mimzy, whose fingers were still caught in the trap. This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. Uh, it was donated by Angel and Alastor Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled. I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars,” the auctioneer said. 

Alastor laughed from where he was sitting. “Five thousand?! You must be joking! Twenty thousand!” he said. 

“What's he doing?” Mimzy muttered. 

“I have twenty thousand,” the auctioneer said. 

“Twenty five! Mon bien-aimé?” Alastor asked, looking at Angel. 

“Thirty!” Angel exclaimed, before turning his attention to Alastor. “Il mio di bell'aspetto marito,” he whispered. 

“Thirty five!” Alastor shouted, not taking his eyes off of Angel. “Bonté, je t'culte,” he said. 

“Fifty!” Angel exclaimed. 

“I hear fifty!” the auctioneer shouted.

“Ya turn, il mio piccolo cerbiatto,” Angel purred. 

Alastor completely stopped bidding and started kissing Angel’s hands. 

“Fifty thousand going once…..” the auctioneer said, as Alastor moved onto kissing the spider’s arm. 

“Fifty thousand going twice…..” he continued, as Alastor reached Angel’s neck, and kept kissing him passionately. 

“Sold to Angel Addams for fifty thousand!” he exclaimed, as Alastor and Angel began to caress and kiss one another, and the two started loudly moaning as they made out. 

The family was riding home later, and Charlie had her fingers stuck in the trap. “Ain’t it beautiful?” Angel sighed, looking at it. 

“Yeah! Hey, how do you take it off?” Charlie asked. 

Alastor shared a look with Angel, then the spider looked at Charlie. “There’s a trick to it…” he said, before pressing the sides and freeing her fingers. Meanwhile, Alastor sat there with an upset expression. 

Back at the manor, Alastor was angrily playing with his electric trains."’How do you take it off?’ she asks! Ah that’s ridiculous! That finger trap was a party favor at her sixth birthday!” he yelled. 

Angel was reading to Nifty while Vaggie sat nearby, and they all heard the train whistles. 

“Ah shit,” Angel quietly said. 

“Father's playing with his trains,” Nifty said. 

Alastor was still angrily playing with them, a cigar practically hanging out of his mouth. “She wore that finger trap for two years! Father had to teach her to eat with her feet! And the combination and the password and my cigar and she slept so well!” he shouted.

“He’s using the diesel,” Nifty said, still listening in, just as Alastor sent one of the trains over a bridge. 

“The covered bridge,” Vaggie added. 

“Dead Man’s Curve,” Angel muttered, as Alastor let his two trains travel at top speed.

Meanwhile, Charlie gathered her courage, and headed down to try getting back in the vault, however she couldn’t get back in since she didn’t find the right chain to pull, and the blonde got sent flying through the house when she pulled the wrong one. No one noticed, since the whole house was shaking from the force of the trains. 

“It's all about Aunt Charlie, isn't it?” Vaggie asked. Angel didn’t say anything, but his answer went unspoken. 

“Spirits, give me a sign! Should I be joyous, or am I forced to be damned?” Alastor asked, just as his two trains crashed into one another, producing a loud explosion. 

Charlie landed outside of the house, where Angel was standing over her. “Trouble sleeping?” he asked, as the girl got up. “Walk with me, Charlie,” the spider said, before leading her to a graveyard. 

“Aunt Elsie got shot up by some heavenly bullets,” Angel explained, showing Charlie a tombstone. “Cousin Gabriel got torn limb from limb by exterminators,” he continued, as they passed another. “And sweet Uncle Michael….poor son of a bitch mistook a heavenly blade for his razor. Psychopaths, crazy bastards, dumbasses, Charlie. And each and every one of ‘em…..a pioneer,” he explained, before they walked to two more gravestones.

“And we can’t forget Razzle and Dazzle. After ya left, they were like two totally different demons. They wouldn’t steal food, they wouldn’t play music, that’s how much ya mean to this family, Charlie,” Angel said, before leading the girl to the largest gravestone in the cemetery. “Mother and Father Addams. Damn, I wish the girls got to know them. But tell that to the Extermination,” he sighed. 

“And their credo…” he said, before reading off of the tombstone. "’Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc.’ And that means ‘We gladly feast on those who would subdue us’. As an Addams, ya understand completely, don't ya?” Angel asked, looking at Charlie. 

“As an Addams….yes I do,” Charlie nodded, as Angel looked her over. 

“Night, Charlie. Rest In Peace,” he said, before leaving her alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Charlie was on the phone, anxiously talking to Katie. “They're onto me, Mom! I'm positive! You have to come over here! Please, please, please!” she pleaded. 

Meanwhile, Angel was in the kitchen with Molly. “His trains are fuckin everywhere…..the kids are miserable,” he sighed, before seeing Vaggie with a carving knife. “That for ya sister?” he asked, as she nodded. “Fuck no,” he said, before taking that knife and giving her a bigger one. 

“Molly, how can I help him?” Angel asked, as his sister opened a book. 

“Okay! Troubled husbands…..um….Adultery?” she asked. 

“Hell no,” replied Angel. 

“Uh, financial, money issues?” Molly asked. 

“Nope,” Angel answered, as Molly turned to another page. 

“Turned into a toad or other reptile?” she asked. 

“Okay, is there an index?” Angel asked, as Husk walked by, cursing under his breath. 

Meanwhile, Katie had met Charlie in her room, just like the girl asked. “They know I'm a fake! All of them! This isn’t going to work,” Charlie muttered. 

“Who knows? Alastor? That red headed dumbass?” Katie asked. 

“He isn’t a dumbass! He’s Charlie’s brother. They had some kind of fight years ago! He’s suspicious. They all are! I know it,” the girl explained.

“Really? Well, thank fuck I came over here in time. I’ll talk to them. Ease their minds. It’s my calling, remember Ebony?” Katie smiled. 

“What?” Charlie asked.

“I’m a doctor,” replied Katie. 

Shortly afterwards, Katie, Angel, and Alastor were sitting together. “Why don't ya talk to Charlie, bambino? She’s just outside the room,” Angel said. 

“Darling I would speak to Charlie if that was Charlie, but it isn’t! That's an impostor. A fraud, a fake, a liar!” Alastor shouted. 

Charlie was just outside the room, and she noticed Nifty and Vaggie sword fighting with one another. 

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!” Vaggie exclaimed. 

“Who calls me a villain, breaks my pate across, cuts off my hair, and blows it in my face?” Nifty asked

‘If I must strike you dead, I will,” Vaggie stated. At that moment, Nifty pretended to stab her, and Vaggie fell to her second death. 

“No! No, you’re doing it all wrong! You need to up the drama! Up the theatrics!” Charlie said, before she looked at Nifty. “Okay, I hate to ask this, but have you ever slaughtered anyone before?” she asked. 

“She’s only a child,” Vaggie said.

“True. Okay, no one will believe it if you don’t hit a major artery,” Charlie explained. 

Meanwhile, Alastor was still shouting about Charlie. “That woman is not my sister! Why, she’s little more than a lying, deceitful, shameful, filthy, wretched-,” he started before Katie spoke up. 

“Mr. Addams! I get the picture. But don’t worry. I can help you! So, the theory of displacement--do you follow?” Katie asked. 

“No, not really,” Alastor replied. 

“Oh, it’s great! Here, I’ll explain,” said Katie.

“Hold on a moment; is it unpleasant?” Alastor asked. 

“Yep,” Katie nodded, as Alastor sat closer to Angel. “Alright, so you drove your own sister away. Now you feel incredibly, soul crushingly guilty. You displace,” she explained. 

“I do?” Alastor asked. 

“Yes! Your mind is going all over the place. You suspect things. You love her, but you hate her. Love, hate, you know! Like how people feel about their moms,” Katie replied. 

“Well I didn't hate my mother, that was an accident,” Alastor said.

“Look, it’s a common psychosis. I see it every day,” said Katie. 

“Lucky bitch,” Angel said. 

“Displacement. How peculiar. And I thought Charlie was the issue. “She's odd, awkward, temperamental, I suspect her, I hate her, goodness you’re right! She is Charlie!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Thanks for ya help, Dr. Churlish,” Angel said, as Katie shrugged. 

“I do what I can,” she smiled.

Back in the main room, Charlie got out a book to show the girls. “See here? There’s lots to learn! Lighting, special effects, makeup,” she said. 

“Aunt Charlie, how do you know so much?” Nifty asked.

“I’ve been around. Picked things up,” Charlie shrugged. 

“In the Bermuda Triangle?” asked Vaggie, but Charlie dodged the question. 

“Look kids! A new chapter,” she smiled. 

“Scabs,” they all said in unison, gazing at the page.


	9. Chapter 9

Charlie was walking through the hall when she saw Katie. “Mom!” she exclaimed. 

“Everyone will be at that play tonight, right?” she asked. 

“Yep! I’ve been helping the girls. It'll be so much fun!” Charlie smiled.

“Fun? We aren’t here for fun!” Katie shouted, as she slapped Charlie across the face. “Shit! Ebony, I’m so sorry! See what they've driven me to? I hit my daughter, my precious girl. You can't go to the play,” she said. 

“But the kids…” Charlie started. 

“The house will be empty! The vault would be ours for the taking!” smiled Katie. 

“But…” Charlie started, as Katie hugged her close. 

“Can you hear it, honey? My heartbeat. It beats only for you. And if you listen, it says ‘Ebony, the vault’,” her mother said. 

“I do hear it,” Charlie nodded.

“Soon we'll have the money, and we’ll be far away from this shithole. Me and my loving daughter. Understand?” Katie asked.

Later that night, Charlie was on the balcony when Alastor walked out. 

“Ah! There you are! Charlie my dear, we need to talk,” Alastor said, walking over to her. “I was stupid to doubt you. Dr. Churlish explained everything. Displacement!  
It's a common psychosis! Isn’t that brilliant?” he asked. 

Charlie nodded as the two looked out over the landscape. “Look at it, Charlotte. Fire pits, lava, fumes, waste….It's all ours, Charlie. You belong here, my dear. Stay, please,” Alastor said. 

“Al….you have a husband, amazing kids, a huge part of hell….I'm in the way,” Charlie sighed. 

“In the way? My sister?” Alastor asked.

“Alastor, listen to me! For you, life is all fun and games. You dance on corpses, stench, decay. I don’t belong here. Things change,” Charlie said.

“But Charlie, you’re back. All those years apart, Charlie. We can't do that again. You're home,” Alastor replied, as Thing handed him a golf club.

Alastor passed it to Charlie before taking one himself. They both swung, each breaking a different window on Vox’s nearby house.

“Fuck off, Addams!” he yelled, as the siblings laughed.

Later, Charlie was back in her room when Vaggie and Nifty knocked on the door. 

“Aunt Charlie?” Vaggie asked, as Nifty knocked again. 

“Aunt Charlie! Come on! It’s time for the play!” the shorter girl yelled. 

“I’m sorry, girls! I’m just really busy,” Charlie replied. 

“But you said you'd help us with the Shakespeare and theatrics and makeup,” said Vaggie. 

“I just can’t!” Charlie shouted.

The family made it to the school, and when they went inside, a woman walked over to Angel. “Mr. Addams, can I see you for a minute? I'm Miss Mayberry; Vaggie’s teacher,” she explained. 

“Oh yeah! Vaggie told us a lot about ya,” Angel nodded, as the teacher led him over to a bulletin board. 

“Vaggie is a great student, I’m just a little worried. See, this is our class bulletin board. The theme for this month is people we love and admire. Everyone’s picks were pretty standard, but then we get to Vaggie’s. She picked someone named….Jill Addams?” Mayberry asked. 

“Vaggie’s Great Aunt Jill. Y’know, she was burned as a witch way back when.   
But mostly they just say she danced naked in the town square and fucked the minister,” Angel explained. 

“Oh….oh really?” Mayberry said, smiling nervously. 

“Yep. But don't worry about that. We told Vaggie college first,” Angel smiled. 

Eventually, everyone was in the auditorium, and the children onstage were singing a sickeningly sweet song. It was absolute torture for Alastor and Angel to sit through, and their own kids weren’t even on yet.

Nifty and Vaggie were backstage, putting their make up on, when Charlie hurried over. “Vaggie, Nifty! I made it!” she smiled. 

“Yay!” Nifty cheered, as the three of them started to get ready. 

Back at the house, Katie was banging on the door. “Ebony? Ebony?! It’s your mom! Where the fuck is she? I never should have used her,” she muttered. 

Once she finished helping the girls, Charlie hurried to a seat beside Alastor. He turned and gave her a smile. “I knew you couldn't stay away, my dear,” he said. 

Soon enough, the boring children finished their song, and it was time for Vaggie and Nifty to go on. They entered in their Shakesperian costumes and did some sword fighting. “How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. Oh, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth! If I must strike you dead, I will,” Vaggie recited, as Nifty pretended to slice into her sister’s arm, causing fake blood to spew out. 

“A hit! A very palpable hit!” Nifty exclaimed. The girls continued stabbing at one another, and fake blood sprayed onto the audience. 

“O proud Death...what feast is toward in thine eternal cell? Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!” Vaggie shouted, before “dying”. 

The audience sat there in shock and covered in blood, and the only people who cheered were the Addams family. “Bravo! Bravo! Those are my girls!” Alastor exclaimed, as he and the others loudly applauded when the girls took their bows. 

After the show, and once the kids were put to bed, Alastor and Angel were sitting on a bench in the graveyard. 

“Y’know bambino, we first met on a night like this. Magic in the air,” Angel smiled.

“A deer,” Alastor said, before moving closer to Angel. “A spider,” he continued, holding two of his husband’s hands. 

“An open grave. It was my first funeral in hell,” said Angel.

“You were absolutely ravishing. So elegant, sultry, mysterious….no one even looked at the corpse,” Alastor sighed. 

“Ya cousin Mick. Ya were still a suspect too,” Angel said, as Alastor grinned. “I couldn't stop staring at ya through that whole eulogy. Ya eyes, ya mustache, ya smile, and ya amazing laugh,” the spider continued. 

“You entranced me. And I proposed that very night,” Alastor said. 

“Someday we'll be buried again. Right here. Side by side, six feet under ground, in matching coffins of course. Our lifeless bodies rotting together for all eternity,” Angel whispered. 

“Mon amour…” Alastor breathed, as he and Angel only got closer. 

“Mio caro…” Angel returned, before the two of them embraced in a passionate kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

The next day, the family sat around and ate breakfast. “Did you like the blood?” Nifty asked, turning to Charlie.

“I was so proud,” the blonde smiled.

“We all were,” Angel replied, before looking at Vaggie. “Vaggie, play with your food,” he said.

The moth sighed and started stabbing at what was on her plate. As they ate, Katie walked in. “Doctor! Lovely to see you! You were so right. We had quite the enjoyable evening!” Alastor smiled.

“Charlie really was back to her old self,” Angel nodded.

“The displacement is finally over!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Isn't that nice?” Katie said, looking over Charlie. 

“Does she really have to go?” Vaggie asked.

“Yes honey, yes she does,” Katie returned.

“Well, if she insists on leaving us, we need to go out on a high note! Mon Ange?” Alastor asked, looking over at his husband.

“We planned a going away party,” the spider replied.

“We invited the whole clan!” added Alastor.

“Aw, what a nice gesture,” Katie said.

“Well, we’re a family again. We owe it all to ya, Dr. Churlish,” Angel smiled.

“Uh huh, no problem. Charlie, walk me out,” Katie said, as the blonde got up.

Charlie was walking Katie to the gate, a nervous smile on her face. “I'm fine, Mom! Promise! I'm completely in control,” the girl insisted.

“They're not your damn family, Ebony. I am. They don't love you. I do. They're evil and corrupt and nasty. I can give you that!” Katie returned. 

“I’m fine! I promise! I’ll make you proud!” Charlie replied.

“We'll see. Now don’t fuck up,” Katie said, before leaving the grounds. 

Later that day, the family headed to the ballroom so they could clean up for the evening. Charlie took it all in with wide eyes. “A party? For me? Here?” she asked, a small smile on her face.

As the others got ready, Alastor turned to Angel. “Mon cher, how long has it been since we've waltzed?” he asked. 

“Oh, Alastor…...hours,” Angel replied, before the two started waltzing around the room.

Once everything was ready, the party began. People waltzed around the room, and Husk was outside acting as a valet. A small car pulled up, and a small figure walked out, covered in grey fur. “Hey, Niss. Glad you made it and shit,” Husk said. 

The hairy spider responded with gibberish, and Husk took his keys as Arackniss went inside. Alastor and Angel stopped dancing when they saw him walk in. “Arackniss! Hello, my good man!” Alastor exclaimed, as the spider walked over, speaking in gibberish. 

“I know right, it’s been forever since I last saw ya! Ya look good,” Angel smiled. Arackniss noticed Mimzy and Tom dancing together, and started in that direction.

“Tommy, listen to me. Please don’t leave me alone!” Mimzy exclaimed. 

“Don't threaten me, Mimzy,” Tom replied.

“These people are crazy!” she yelled.

“Just relax,” Tom sighed. At that moment, Arackniss walked over and spoke in gibberish once again. “Oh you can certainly cut in! Go on!” nodded Tom, as Arackniss and Mimzy started dancing together, much to the girl’s confusion.

Angel walked over to Vaggie, who was sitting in the corner, reading. “Vaggie?” he asked.

“Yeah, Dad?” asked Vaggie

“Can ya run upstairs and check on your aunt for me?” Angel asked. Vaggie nodded and hurried off.

Vaggie walked up and knocked on Charlie’s door, before cracking it open. She thought she heard voices, and quietly stepped into the room. She was surprised to see Katie working on Charlie’s hair. “I understand,” Charlie said quietly. 

“About damn time. I'm counting on you, Ebony. Don't let me down. Don't fuck this up,” Katie replied.

“It won’t be easy. People are everywhere down there,” Charlie sighed.

“You can do it if you stop whining like a fucking baby,” Katie said.

“I’m sorry. Okay, I’ll try to reach the vault tonight. But if I can't, we leave it at that. Please, Mom?” Charlie asked.

“I fucking knew it! You are a fake,” Vaggie said, glaring at them.

“Come here, sweetheart,” Katie beckoned, but Vaggie ran out the door. “Get her, you idiot!” she yelled, turning to Charlie. Charlie dashed down the hall, trying to find Vaggie, however the moth had disappeared. 

Back at the party, Alastor walked over to a pair of Imp sisters. “Tilla and Barbie Wire! Oh goodness, I can’t see! I’m being blinded by such beauty,” he said. 

“Alastor Addams. You’re such a flirt,” Tilla smiled.

“He always was. Well, at least with me,” Barbie replied. 

“If you don’t mind my asking, where’s your brother?” Alastor asked. 

“He couldn’t make it tonight,” Tilla answered, as Angel walked over. 

“The twins! I've heard so much about the two of ya,” he smiled, looking the girls over. 

“Angel, you bagged him! That handsome stag,” Barbie sighed. 

“He was mine,” Tilla stated.

“He was mine!” shouted Barbie. 

“Barbie, Tilla, how can I compete? Ya each make for twice the partner I am,” replied Angel, as Tom was thrust into the conversation.

“Tom, these are the twins. They're waiting for Charlie. Be a dear and amuse them, won’t you?” Alastor asked, as he went off to waltz with Angel.

“Hello, Tom,” Tilla smiled.

“Uhhhhhh hello,” the lawyer stammered. 

A while later, he was sitting with the twins, who explained the Addams history to him.

“It's too interesting, isn’t it? Charlie's queen of the castle again, isn't she?” Barbie asked. 

“Their parents said Charlie was the favorite child, so it means she gets it all! The house, the money, you name it,” Tilla added.

“Charlie's single, isn't she?” Barbie asked. 

“Are you, Mr. Trench?” Tilla asked, looking towards Tom.

“I need to piss, I’ll be back shortly, ladies!” Tom said, before getting up.

Charlie ran over to Katie, completely out of breath. “I can't find her anywhere!  
Let's just leave,” the girl panted. 

“Stop crying! That dirty insect will turn up eventually. Get to the party or they'll think something’s up. I'll be down soon,” Katie said. 

“Yes, Mom,” Charlie nodded, before walking downstairs.


	11. Chapter 11

While she was walking to the party, Angel had found Charlie, and now the two were walking in together. “Everyone! Can I have ya attention, please?” he asked, as the music stopped. “Tonight we dance for our special guest of honor; Charlie Addams,” Angel said, as a few people clapped.

Alastor smiled as he stood before them. “The mamushka! Taught to us by our Cossack cousins, and the mamushka has been an Addams family tradition since Satan knows when! We danced the mamushka while Nero fiddled. We danced the mamushka at Waterloo. We danced the mamushka for Jack the Ripper. And now, Charlotte my dear, this mamushka is for you,” he announced.

Alastor took Charlie’s hand, and the two of them danced in a circle as Russian music played, and quickly picked up, making the siblings go faster.

Meanwhile, Katie saw Tom heading out of the party. “Where the fuck are you going?” she asked. “There's trouble,” she continued, but Tom kept walking.

“You have nothing to worry about! I swear! I have a plan,” he said. 

“But that disgusting little freak knows-,” Katie started, however Tom cut her off. 

“We don’t need to worry about her! I’ll be back. Ten minutes,” replied the lawyer, before he walked out the door.

Back in the ballroom, Alastor and Charlie were going through a number of complicated dance steps. Now the two of them had swords they were tapping against one another. Alastor threw one of his into the air, and Charlie caught it in her mouth. The deer smiled brightly and began singing as Charlie just stood there holding all the swords. 

“Mamushka! Mamushka! She comes for her mamushka! Hey, hey, hey, hey,” Alastor sang, before the crowd joined in. 

“Hey, hey, hey, hey! And a hey and a hey! And a hey and a hey!” they all sang, just before Alastor turned back to face his sister. 

“Wait!” he yelled, before a grin spread across his face. “I swear by Mother and Father, this disgraceful Charlie’s…..The echt Charlotte Addams!” sang Alastor, taking the swords from Charlie. 

“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!” they both sang, as people started banging on tambourines. “Let's dance the dance of family love! Mamushka!” Charlie and Alastor finished, as everyone cheered. 

Meanwhile, Vox and Tom were watching from outside the house. “What the fuck is going on over there?” Vox asked. 

“Let me tell you something, sir. I know how you can get rid of the Addams family for good,” Tom replied. 

“I’m listening. What’s the plan?” the television asked. 

“Okay, listen closely. You’ll love it!” Tom exclaimed, before going to explain his plan. 

Back at the Addams house, Mimzy was sitting on the balcony, with Arackniss close by. “Tom and I….we’ve been married for almost thirteen years. Sometimes it feels like a lot more,” she sighed. Arackniss said something in gibberish, and Mimzy gave him a sad shrug. “You know how it is. People change,” Mimzy replied. Arackniss said something else in gibberish, and moved closer to her. “Isn't it a beautiful night?” asked Mimzy. 

Meanwhile, the family was seeing the party guests off, and Barbie Wire and Tilla each gave Charlie a kiss on the cheek. 

“Come see me before you leave!” Barbie smiled. 

“I'll call once I'm alone,” Tilla added. 

“Your ride is here, my dears,” Alastor said, as the two girls waved goodbye and headed to their ride. 

Mimzy was still with Arackniss as he headed to his car. “You're an amazing dancer. I’ve had lots of fun,” she smiled. Arackniss replied with something incomprehensible, and Mimzy shook her head. “Oh I’d love to, but I can't. We mustn't,” she sighed. The hair covered spider responded with sad gibberish, then he got in his car and drove off. “Call me!” Mimzy shouted. 

Charlie was dancing up the stairs, still in a good mood from the party. She kept dancing as she walked into her room, where Katie was waiting for her. “Ebony, cut that out. You look like a fucking idiot,” she groaned, before studying the girl’s face. “Are you covered in lipstick?” Katie asked. 

“From Tilla and Barbie Wire! They’re the sweetest!” Charlie smiled. 

“Ebony, honey, let me get this straight. Have you been having fun?” asked Katie. 

“It was amazing! I sang, I danced, it was the best night ever!” Charlie smiled, before dancing some more. Katie pettily sat on the bed with her arms crossed, and Charlie looked over at her. “Mom?” she asked. 

“Mom? Who is that? I can’t remember,” Katie returned. 

“Mom, please?” the girl asked. 

“I'm just fine. I’m fucking swell. Don't worry about me, Ebony. Go on, have fun at your disgusting ass gay orgy. I swear, sometimes I think you're not even my daughter,” Katie said. 

“Don't say that!” Charlie exclaimed, as she went to hug her. 

Katie rolled her eyes and avoided her touch. “I'm just your mother. You only owe me your whole damn existence, you ungrateful bitch. Please, Ebony, go sing, dance, date,” she growled. 

“Mom, I'm so so sorry. It was just a party. It's over. I’ll never do it again,” Charlie said, desperate for forgiveness. “Alastor...Angel...the kids…Molly, Arackniss...they’re not my family. They’re not you,” she sighed. 

“Say it like you fucking mean it, Ebony,” Katie ordered. 

“I love you. And I want to get you the money,” said Charlie. 

Katie grinned wickedly and headed for the door. “That’s my precious girl. Now, we need to find Tom,” she said. 

Back in the ballroom, Angel and Alastor found out that Nifty had fallen asleep on a plate. “Look, our little girl. All tuckered out,” Angel whispered.

“It’s adorable. She looks just like a little entree,” Alastor added, as the cyclops began to wake up. 

“Where's the party?” Nifty asked. 

“It's over, sweetheart. Have ya seen ya sister?” asked Angel. 

“Not since before the mamushka,” Nifty replied. 

“Well fuck,” Angel muttered.


	12. Chapter 12

The family was gathered outside of the house as Husk held up a map of the grounds. “Alright, we need to split up. Nifty dear, head for the fire pit. Molly and mon Ange, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Husker, I’d like you to search the bottomless pit. Charlie? Charlie my dear? Where is she?” Alastor asked, just noticing that she wasn’t outside. 

“I’m up here!” she called, from a window on the house’s second floor. 

“Ah Charlie! Could you be a dear and search the gardens of carnivorous plants and the unmarked abandoned well?” the deer asked. 

“Someone should stay behind! You know, in case Vaggie comes back!” Charlie replied. 

“Good thinking!” Alastor smiled.

“Then who'll take the gardens?” Molly asked. 

The family looked down as Thing ran out to join them. “That's the spirit, Thing! Lend a hand. Now, let’s be on our way!” Alastor exclaimed, as the family left to search for Vaggie.

“Ebony! Get your ass over here!” Katie shouted. Charlie hurried after Katie, and the two of them walked to the study, where Tom was reading. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she asked. 

“I was relaxing! Before you showed up,” the lawyer replied. 

“Are you fucking insane?” Katie asked. 

“Au contraire!” Tom exclaimed. 

Meanwhile, the family was outside looking for Vaggie. Alastor found her, asleep on top of a casket, and then the Addams family headed back to the house. They were shocked to find the gate covered in “No Trespassing” signs. “What is the meaning of this?” Alastor asked, as Tom walked into view. 

“This is a restraining order,” he replied.

“Pardon? A restraining order?!” asked Alastor. 

“Yep. One that requires you to stay one thousand yards away from this house,” Tom answered. 

“I am being restrained from my own home?!” Alastor growled. 

“It isn’t your house anymore, Bambi. Your parents’ will said the house went to the favorite child--Charlie Addams,” Tom explained.

“C’mon! Charlie loves Al!” Angel exclaimed. 

“Wrong! She's afraid of him. Seeing the imps brought it back to her. The Addams siblings are bitter rivals,” Tom said. 

“I demand to speak with my sister at once!” Alastor ordered.

“I can’t let you do that. The poor girl is very hurt. Just leave,” Tom said, as he went inside of the house. 

“This is bullshit! She isn't even Aunt Charlie!” Vaggie shouted. 

“Don’t worry about this! Why, giving your estate to the favorite child is absurd anyway. I swear on it, justice shall prevail! The courts will decide. They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with Satan as my witness, I am that fool!” exclaimed Alastor. 

Alastor had taken it to court, but unfortunately for him, Vox acted as judge. He gave the house over to Charlie, much to the family’s dismay. Not long after, they were sadly packing their things to move out. Charlie watched them leave, a feeling of guilt burning in her chest, but now it meant she and her mother would be able to look for the fortune. 

The Addams family had been forced into a motel, and Alastor looked more disheveled than ever; not even bothering to put on his suits and wearing simple button ups. “Sure, we were kicked outta our house. Yeah, we were betrayed  
by someone we trusted, that sporco, bugiardo, cagna. But we are Addamses, and we won’t submit,” Angel said, in a failed attempt to bring his family’s spirits up. 

“Okay, okay who remembers the story of the tortoise and the hare? The fast but lazy rabbit and the slow but persistent turtle? What does this story teach us?” he asked. 

Molly raised her hand “Kill the hare?” she asked. 

“Put the tortoise on the highway,” Vaggie said. 

“During rush hour!” Nifty cheered. 

“Fuck yeah! We are gonna survive. Poison us, strangle us, break our bones, we’re always gonna come back for more! And why?” asked Angel. 

“Because we like it!” Molly smiled. 

“Because we're Addamses!” Nifty exclaimed. 

“We're Addamses,” Alastor said, as his smile started slipping for the first time in decades. 

The next day, Nifty and Vaggie were sitting at a lemonade stand they set up as Husk walked by. “Trying to help with the finances situation?” he asked. 

“Yep. Here, Husk! On the house!” Nifty smiled, as she handed him a cup. 

Husk took a sip, and he coughed up a ball of fire. “Needs more cyanide,” he said, as Vaggie nodded.

“Noted,” she said. 

Meanwhile, Angel was at an office run by a woman named Rosie, where he was trying to get a job. “We have so many homemakers reentering the workforce. Your own domestic skills can be very valuable, my dear. Now let’s see….college?” she asked. 

“Private teachers,” Angel answered. 

“Alright. What were your preferred subjects?” Rosie asked. 

“Uhh….spells, curses, y’know, basic shit. Oh! And guns! I’m great with guns!” Angel smiled. 

“....Alright dear, I’ll write liberal arts. What about your partner? Are they currently employed?” asked Rosie. 

“Nope. He's having a rough time right now, but it ain’t his fault,” Angel explained. 

“Oh if course it isn’t, dear! What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?” Rosie asked. 

“Not anymore,” Angel sighed. 

Back at the motel, Vaggie and Nifty weren’t having much lemonade, when a girl with pigtails named Velvet walked over, holding boxes of cupcakes. “Is that made with real lemons?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” Vaggie replied. 

“You see, I only like all-natural fruits and shit, organically grown with no preservatives and all that jazz. Say, are you sure they're real lemons?” Velvet asked. 

“Yes,” Vaggie groaned 

“Okay then! I’ll make you losers a deal. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious red velvet cupcakes. Deal?” Velvet asked.

“Are they made of real red velvet, or are they the shit from the box?” Vaggie asked. Nifty was trying not to laugh, and Velvet decided to avoid answering altogether and just walked away. 

Elsewhere, Angel managed to find work at a library, reading stories to kids. They all sat on the floor as he read “Hansel and Gretel”. “And, so, the witch lured Hansel and Gretel into the candy house by promising them more sweets. She told them to look in the oven. She was about to push them in when, wouldn’t ya know it, Hansel pushed the poor, helpless, misunderstood witch into the oven instead. She was burned alive, writhing in agony and screaming in pain, while those little brats ignored her cries. She was reduced to ashes, the end. Now, boys and girls, whaddya think that feels like?” Angel asked.

It was quiet for a moment, then the children all started to cry. “Damnit, I thought I was doing such a good job too,” Angel muttered.


	13. Chapter 13

While the family was still confined to the motel, Charlie and Katie had been looking for the vault. They hadn’t found it yet, and now they were taking a break to eat. “After lunch, we can try some more,” Katie said.

“Yes, Mom,” Charlie nodded sadly. 

“We'll find the money! Meanwhile, we have this amazing house all to ourselves! Without that crazy ass family,” continued Katie. 

“Yep,” Charlie sighed, filled with guilt and regret. 

Back in the motel, Alastor was mindlessly flipping through local radio stations. “Al, why don't we go for a drive? The whole family. It’ll be nice,” Angel said. 

“A drive? No thank you, mon Ange, I’m not in the mood,” Alastor replied, as Molly threw open the door. 

“Dinner is gonna be a little late. Who knew dogs were so hard to catch?” she said, before grabbing a bat and heading back outside. 

That night, everyone had fallen asleep. Everyone but Angel, who stroked his husband’s hair as he slept. He looked at his other family members; Vaggie and Molly were asleep on blankets on the floor, Husk had fallen asleep in a chair, and Nifty was curled up, sleeping on a bookshelf. The spider sighed to himself. He wasn’t going to let his family keep living like this. 

Angel left the motel and headed straight for his old house, with Thing following closely behind him. Angel knocked on the door, and Tom slowly opened it. “Move, asshole. I gotta talk to Charlie,” he said, pushing his way past the lawyer. 

Moments later, Charlie and Tom tied Angel up on a rack as Katie watched. “Ya a fucking desperate old broad ain’t ya? Bitter, selfish….if ya weren’t such a bitch we coulda been friends,” the spider said, smiling at Katie. 

“Ebony, let's get started,” Katie growled. 

“Mom…” Charlie started. 

“Quit fucking stalling, you pussy!” shouted Katie.

“I'm sorry! I’m sorry,” Charlie replied, as she headed off to the bookcase. 

“So, the vault, Mr. Addams...know where we can find it?” Katie asked.

“Nope,” Angel answered. 

“Tom, take over. Tighten it,” Katie ordered, as Thing jumped up onto the windowsill to watch everything play out. 

“I’ve never exactly tortured anybody before...I mean...unless you’re going to let Mr. Addams and I get into some kinky shit…” Tom said. 

“Don’t be like that; just make him hurt,” Katie returned. 

As Tom started to tighten Angel’s restraints, Thing ran to get help. “Tighter! I can’t hear him scream!” Katie shouted.

Tom kept tightening it, but to Katie’s dismay, Angel only let out moans of pleasure. “Ya done this before, Tommy?” he smirked, and the lawyer didn’t know how to respond. 

Thing scurried back to the motel and pounded on the door, waking Alastor. “Who’s there? We're paid through Thursday,” the deer said. 

Shortly after, Thing was let inside, and he tried to give Alastor a message using sign language. “Ang-Angel. Angel...Angel what? Slow down! It's terrible when you speak that fast,” Alastor said.

Thing took a spoon and began to tap in Morse Code. “Angel...in...danger. Stop. Send help...at once. Stop!” Alastor shouted. 

Back at the mansion, Charlie panicked as Katie heated up some pokers in the fireplace. “You can't do this to him! Not with red-hot pokers!” she exclaimed, as Katie ignored her. 

“Is this gonna smell?” Tom asked. 

“Tom Trench. Deadbeat, asshole, parasite. Al adored ya,” Angel said. 

“Well, not enough,” Tom replied, as Angel looked over at Charlie. 

“And Charlie...I liked ya. Ya made Al happy. Ya were the sweetest thing. So I gotta ask. What’s the real you? The underhanded bitch ya are now, or the underhanded bitch we loved?” asked Angel. 

“I don’t know,” Charlie sighed. Outside, the gate swung open as Alastor approached the house, ready to save Angel.

“Ebony! I got an idea. Since you and Mr. Addams are so close...you can jab him with the poker!” Katie smiled, as she handed the rod to her daughter. 

Before anyone could do anything, Alastor jumped through the window. “Mon cher!” he exclaimed, looking towards Angel.

“Il mio bambino!” his husband returned, as Thing got Alastor a sword. “Be careful, Al!” Angel called, as Tom grabbed a sword.

“You and I have some business, old friend….” Alastor grinned, as he and Tom began to swordfight. 

Alastor, being dar more experienced, overpowered the shorter man and took his sword. “I’m going to enjoy this….” he said. 

“Alastor! Al please, please don’t!” Tom stammered.

“Let him go,” Katie said, as she pulled out a gun. Alastor reluctantly put down his swords as Katie smiled. “Good boy. Now move your ass, Addams. Take Tom to the vault, and if you're not back in one hour...I’ll tear that whore you call a husband limb from limb,” she continued. 

Alastor nodded, and walked over to Angel. “Mon Ange, seeing you like this…it makes my blood boil,” he said. 

“So does mine,” Angel breathed.

“This wheel of pain…” started Alastor. 

“Our wheel,” Angel continued.

“To live without you--that’s the worst torture I could imagine,” Alastor said.

“A day alone--it may as well be double death,” Angel replied. 

The two nearly kissed, but got interrupted by Katie yelling. “Shut the fuck up and get to the vault, Bambi!” she shouted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another finale I’m covering in two chapters! I swear I don’t do this on purpose; this one just felt long, I figured it would be best to split it.


	14. Chapter 14

Alastor headed to the vault, feeling that all was lost for his family. Charlie watched on nervously. “Oh Mom, you can’t!” she yelled.

“Shut the fuck up, Ebony!” Katie yelled, glaring at the girl. “Get your ass in gear. You disappoint me. You're nothing but a useless, sniveling, motherfucking whiny bitch! A stone around my neck,” she growled, before letting out a maniacal laugh. What was I thinking? I should have left you where I found you!” she shouted. 

Charlie saw as Alastor put his hand on the book that would open the passage. “Hey! No tricks, Alastor. That's the wrong book,” she said, moving his hand off of it. “I’ve got it,” she said, before picking up a book on hurricanes. 

“Good show, my dear,” Alastor whispered, as Charlie turned to Katie and Tom.

“Put that book down, Ebony! You don't know what it can do! It's not just literature,” Tom said. 

“Oh, really?” Charlie asked, before opening the book a crack, and making a small gust of wind blow out before shutting it again.

In the midst of things, Alastor hurried over to where Angel was trapped so he could free his husband. “Quickly, bambino,” Angel whispered, as the deer got to working on his restraints. 

“Ebony, I'm your friend! Ok not really, but I don’t hate you!” yelled Tom. “Think of the fortune!” he continued. 

“It isn’t yours, Tom! Back off!” Charlie shouted. 

Alastor was still freeing Angel from the rack. “Leather straps…...Red-hot pokers,” Alastor muttered, as ideas started forming in his head. 

“Later, babe,” Angel smirked, sharing those same thoughts. 

“Keep the book closed. Listen to Mother!” Katie ordered, as Charlie kept walking towards her and Tom. 

“I’m never going to listen to you ever again!” Charlie exclaimed. 

“I had to be strict with you because I cared, alright?! Now drop the damn book!” Katie yelled. 

“You never really loved me,” the girl said. 

Alastor had gotten Angel free, and now the two of them were headed towards the secret passageway. “Charlie, this way!” Alastor called. 

“Stop whining, you piece of shit!” shouted Katie.

“You were an awful mother! There! I said it!” Charlie retorted, before she opened the book. 

The winds from the book began knocking things over and blowing things around in the house, and Charlie, Katie, and Tom got swept up in the force of the storm. A blast of lightning shot out of the book and hit Charlie in the head. Charlie grabbed the book and slammed it shut, but not before Katie and Tom flew through the window and landed in two open graves with their names on the tombstones. 

Nifty and Vaggie were standing beside the graves when the two fell in. “Are they double dead?” Nifty asked.

Vaggie grabbed her angel’s spear, and quickly stabbed Katie and Tom. “Now they are,” she replied, before getting a shovel.

——————————————————  
Seven months later, Halloween had approached. A group of kids walked up to the Addams’ house and rang the bell. “Trick or-,” they started, before seeing Husk open the door. “AHH!” they screamed, before running off.

“Fuck you too!” Husk shouted, flipping off the children before going back inside. 

Inside, Alastor and Angel were decorating when Nifty and Vaggie walked down the stairs. 

“Here we come!” Nifty cheered. She was dressed in a dark coat like Charlie’s and had on a blonde wig, while Vaggie didn’t seem to be wearing a costume at all. 

“Why, Nifty dear! That costume is magnificent!” Alastor exclaimed.

“She’s a dead ringer for ya, Charlie. Y’know, apart from eyes and shit,” Angel added. 

“How do you like it?” Nifty asked, going over to Charlie. 

“What can I say? She's gonna break hearts,” Charlie smiled. 

“Trick or treat!” Mimzy called, as she walked in. She was dressed as Betty Boop, and her new husband Arackniss followed close behind in a cowboy outfit, as he said something in gibberish. 

“Hey there, Mimzy, Arackniss. Damn Nissy, I almost didn't recognize ya,” Angel smiled. 

“Isn't he handsome? Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume,” Mimzy said. 

“It is a wonderful hat,” Alastor nodded, as Mimzy looked over at the girls. 

“What are you, honey? Where's your costume?” Mimzy asked the older of the two. 

“This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everyone else,” Vaggie answered, as Mimzy smiled. 

Later, everyone was gathered in the parlor while Husk worked on a picture of Charlie and Nifty. “I'm so glad I can spend this night with my family now that I've got my memory back,” Charlie sighed. 

“Thank Satan for that lightning! Knocked some sense into ya,” Molly smiled. 

Arackniss said something incomprehensible, but Alastor gave him a smile. “You remember, my fine fellow! Miss Killjoy really did find Charlie in an alleyway all those years ago, but the poor dear had amnesia,” Alastor explained. 

Arackniss added something in gibberish, and Angel nodded as he looked up from the knitting he had been working on. “True that, weirder shit has happened,” he said. 

Nifty walked over to Charlie, with a lightbulb in hand. “Please, Aunt Charlie? For the picture?” she asked. Charlie smiled and put the bulb in her mouth, causing it to light up. 

“Alrighty then! Everybody, time for a game. What shall we play? Bobbing for apples?”  
Alastor asked. 

“Charades?” Mimzy asked.

Arackniss said something, and Angel smiled brightly. “Good thinking! Wake the dead!” he exclaimed. 

“Wake the dead! Yes!” Charlie nodded. 

“Brilliant idea! Alright everyone, out to the cemetery!” Alastor yelled, as everyone got up. 

“I've never played this before. How does it go?” Mimzy asked. 

“Did ya bring a shovel?” Molly replied. 

“Aunt Charlie, be on my team!” exclaimed Nifty. 

“No, mine,” Vaggie retorted. 

“We'll give you a head start--three skulls and a pelvis,” Charlie smiled, before the two girls ran ahead. 

Charlie turned to Alastor, a genuine smile on both their faces. “My own brother,” she said, before the two shook hands. Charlie caught Alastor by surprise when she flipped him onto the ground, and the two began to laugh. “Come on!” Charlie exclaimed. 

“”We'll catch up,” Angel replied, as Charlie grabbed a shovel and ran out. 

“Wake the dead! Wake the dead! Aunt Monica, wake up. Come on, Aunt Krystal, wake up!” Nifty said, as she banged her shovel against tombstones. 

“No, Nifty! You have to dig. That's half the fun!” Charlie said, as she and the girls got to digging up a grave.

Alastor and Angel watched their family from the balcony, as Alastor sighed happily. “Oh mon Ange, what more could we ask for?” he asked. 

“Al…..” Angel started, before holding up what he had been knitting all night. It was a red and white striped baby onesie, with four sleeves and a hole in the back for a deer tail. 

“Oh darling, is it true?” Alastor asked. 

“Sì bambino,” Angel replied.

“How?” Alastor asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Angel whispered, as he and Alastor embraced in a passionate kiss, with Alastor dipping Angel back a little. 

“Wake up, Grandpa Addams! It's Halloween!” Nifty cheered, as the rest of the family kept digging up graves. 

“Girls, look! Great-aunt Vivienne! She was beheaded by her own children!” Charlie called, before the girls quickly ran over to see. 

Alastor and Angel were still kissing on the porch, and at that moment, everything was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to do a Christmas movie, and I will, but I had to do this first! 
> 
> Let me know if I should do Addams Family Values lol


End file.
